Chris "Shoe Fiend" Elsmore |
A
prominent member of Swansea University's Computer society has been
apprehended by local authorities in possession of a vast quantity of shoes.
It is believed the individual known as "Elsmorian" was at the
centre of a vast shoe-smuggling ring, operating in the Gower area.
When apprehended by a police team, Chris Elsmore was found carrying
43 pairs of trainers, 91 pairs of slippers, 23 pairs of sandals and a
staggering 3,495 pairs of clogs.
Police Chief, Gerald Barns, stated "This is quite simply the biggest
seizure of assorted footwear in history. Had [Elsmore] succeeded in his
plans, he would've been across the English border within days to wreak havoc with
his ill-gotten gains. We are all very glad Mr. Elsmore is in custody as
he is clearly a danger to himself and society."
Mary Stromberg from the Swedish Institute of Criminology
studied Elsmore in captivity and was puzzled by his bizarre
behaviour.
A man on the edge
After extensive analysis, it has been revealed that Elsmore suffers
from an unusual condition known as "Paporaptosis". Closelsy related to
Kleptomania, the patient suffers from an irresistable urge to horde
away particular items. In this case, Elsmore was unable to stop himself
from prowling the streets of Swansea, preying upon innocent items of footwear.
The shoes were found, alive and well
|
"This behaviour has saddened us all," said SUCS President, Andrew Price.
"[Elsmore] has always been a well-respected member of our illustrious
society and his arrest, just weeks before the election of a new committee,
is a big shock."
It seems Elsmore may have suffered unusual amounts of stress, due to
an intense political battle with rival SUCS member, Sean "Talyn" Handley.
This incident also comes soon after accusations within the society that
Elsmore may possibly be an evil zombie, intent on destroying SUCS from within
and consuming its members in order to assimilate their combined knowledge.
Had he not been caught by the sustained police investigation against him,
the members of SUCS could easily have been left without brains and, even more
worryingly, without shoes.
When questioned, Elsmore swore his revenge and insisted he would not rest in
his sacred quest to rid the universe of shoes. "It's only a matter of time before
I escape. No prison has been built that can contain the mighty Elsmorian! Just you
wait... I will consume you all!"
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